My New Year's thoughts have surrounded small moments. In the shuffle of the big picture ideal, these are, as expected, lost. What good is the outcome if the journey there is rife with pain, anger, exhaustion, disappointment, tension, stress? I cannot live for thoughts of someday, one day, when I am what I want to be. If I let thoughts of busyness take over, how will I feel? Busy. Tired. Spread thin. Unavailable. If I step back, breathe, and compartmentalize, I can relax. I can enjoy the delicious moments of near quiet in the grocery store at 8:00 a.m. on a weekday. These moments can fuel me during the times when I lose my thoughts.
I have thought often about escape. Needing to escape to watch TV, to knit, to escape for a moms night out, to escape, escape, escape. Moments away valued, my wrinkled fingers calculating the seconds that I can be free. Freedom from who I am and escape into who I really am not. I am a mom. I am not my mom. I am not failing if I don't look like that image. I am my own journey.
So much satisfaction has come this last week just being in those moments, even if they aren't something I particularly enjoy. Somewhere in the last several years, I have forgotten about the value of true simplicity. Not an article written by magazine telling you how to declutter your life. Not a tip from a multimillionaire telling me to not value money and instead enjoy more important things.
Small victories this week:
Snack tray dinner
Falling asleep cuddled into an over sized chair while watching a movie
Scrabble Junior
Hot dinner at the table
Breakfast ready for them when they woke on a Saturday morning
Unexpected time off of work and the ensuing nap and TV time
Listening to a little voice tell me that she just wants me
Clean counters
Pushing the buttons on my dishwasher
Hum of the refrigerator (how have I forgotten this sound?)
Cold toes
Hot water running over my face
